The Spezztastic Visionary--Messenger Tag Team, part one


Post By

Visionary, the evil T.T. partner
Sat Jul 19, 2003 at 01:17:52 pm EST
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"If I drink Spezz Energy Drink every day instead of milk, will I grow up to be as big as you?" the cute little boy sent from central casting asked, blinking his oversized eyes.

"Why, yes Bobby!" Captain Spezztic, the High Fructose-Fueled Wonder, answered with a wide smile showing off a substantial amount of teeth. "But you'll have bones that will snap like a twig! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" He turned to the camera and switched to expression #2: the serious face. "That's right kids... you need your milk to grow up big and strong as well. That's why the Spezz website has a recipe for making Spezztic-Milk! Not only is the combination loaded with vitamins and minerals, it'll turn your flem green! Doesn't that sound like fun, Billy?"

"I thought my name was Bobby" the little boy from central casting answered.

"Why of course it is, Billy... Of course it is."

Suddenly the TV screen was covered by an inordinate amount of silly string. "I still can't believe it!" Dreamcatcher Foxglove, aka the CrazySugarFreakBoy! proclaimed indignantly as he continued to spew the substance all over the League of Regular's large-screen HDTV. "That two-faced little pus-monkey!"

"Billy?" Yo asked.

"I think he doth mean the other one" Donar supplied. "The one that doth sport the excessive facial disfigurement."

"I think that was just his chin" Visionary answered. "Though it was pretty damn big. And hey, Dream! Lay off already..!" he complained, shielding the television with his body. "I've still got 16 more payments on this thing."

"No! I mean that oily little crap weasel, Roni Y. Avis!" Dreamcatcher replied. "He stole my bit! The sugar-induced thing! You can't steal another hero's bit... It leads to sucky knockoffs! Look at USAgent! Azreal! Thunderstrike! Supreme! Well, okay... definitely not once Alan Moore started writing him..."

"Hold..." Donar rumbled ominously. "What about Thunderstrike?"

"Guys, guys... Like I said before..." Lisa interrupted, before things got out of hand, "...you can sue anybody for anything--and I pretty much have--but I just don't know if you can win."

"But Avis came to me to endorse his $#*%%! little energy drink six months ago!" The sugar fueled freakboy whined. "And I told him to take his offer, impale it on that ludicrous hook of his and shove it up ass with a corkscrew motion!"

"Huh" Lisa noted. "And then he turns around and does something like this? There's just no figuring some people. So he created his own super-hero to shill a beverage that you wouldn't shill, and you feel it's an attempt to cash in on your image, eh?" She chewed her lip as Visionary tried to dig the videotape out of the silly-stringed VCR. "I suppose I could probably come up with something..."

"Hey!" Visionary complained. "How come when Avis came out with that 'Screaming Yellow Visionaries' cereal, you said there was nothing you could do?!"

"Yes, but that's because the name *was* accurate... and he had the copyrights to that picture of you fleeing down the street from the Yurt. Besides, Yo really enjoyed eating those for breakfast."

"They were being especially crunchy on waffles." Yo agreed.

"The problem in this case..." the evil lawyer continued, "...is that it's not really a stretch to say that this Captain Spezzic is fueled by high fructose corn syrup. I mean, that's the general idea of all of those overly sugary and caffeinated energy syrups. Now, if they claimed that it gave him wings, well... hmmm... I suppose I could sue on behalf of Falcon or something."

"So... you're saying I'll likely lose?"

"Well... yeah. But I'm willing to take your money anyway."

"Man! This sucks! This sucks, blows and bites, all at the same time!"

"Is that even possible?" Visionary asked.

"Well, this one time... on the set of one of my mom's motion pictures, there was this new girl..."

"Nevermind" Visionary answered hurriedly.

"What if I could prove that he's not really fueled by corn syrup?" Dream asked eagerly. "If he's a fake... not even a real superhero... could we have something?"

Lisa tapped her chin. "Hmmmm... Yeah. Yeah, that could give me something to work with. And with the right judge, we could definitely get a cease and desist order..."

"Right judge?" Yo asked.

Lisa shrugged. "Male judge."

"Ah."

"Great! Just leave it to me!" CrazySugarFreakBoy! exclaimed, bounding for the door with newfound enthusiasm. "I show the world the true colors of that corporate lapdog-on-steroids! This will be just like Matt Murdock working a case from both inside the courtroom and out on the rooftops!" In an orange and green flash, he was gone.

"Dammit" Visionary grumbled as Yo's bunny managed to get itself stuck to the center of the picture tube in the midst of a tangle of silly string. "Why is it Legionnaires never stick around to clean up after they visit?"



The Next Morning, at Avis Incorporated:

Roni Y. Avis was polishing his hook. And no, that wasn’t any kind of euphemism, no matter what his secretary suggested when she thought he couldn’t hear her. He was especially proud of his hook these days, since it seems that pirates were coming back into fashion. He had even heard that “pirates are the new monkeys”. He wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, but he was pretty sure it was a good thing. Everybody loved monkeys, after all.

Avis wasn’t technically a pirate, unless one counted the downloaded material on his computer. He preferred to think of himself as a savvy business man. Most preferred to think of him as a slimy weasel. Hell, even his mother did... which was why she had never received anything but e-mail cards from her millionaire son. (Well, excepting that one birthday where he gave her a pack of corporate stationary.) All of which goes a ways to explaining why he needed to set aside this time each and every morning: Roni Y. Avis liked to polish his hook with the daily batch of hate mail and death threats he received.

Next on the pile was one from a “Meggan Foxxx”. He slit the top of the envelope with his hook and shook out the contents onto his desk. It was a glossy publicity still of a woman with the most enormous breasts Avis had ever seen. Scrawled across it was the message “I hope your c*#k rots off as syphilis eats your putrid little rat brain for what you did to my baby boy Dream, you #$@$ing, %*!#ing, #@*%ity--%&^$!!!”

“Polishing the ol’ hook again, sir?” his secretary asked, looking at the slutty, profanity-ridden photo on his desk with an arched eyebrow. “Shouldn’t you at least lock your door first?”

Avis jumped guiltily, then casually crossed his legs and scooted a bit further under his desk. “I was just, um… that is…”

“Have you read this morning’s paper yet, sir? There’s something you should probably see.” She handed him the paper, folded neatly to display the front page headline. “You can always go back to buffing yourself during your phone conference with accounting.”

“Wait… what’s this?” he asked, unfolding the rest of the front page. “Headless Captain Spezztic Found Outside Nightclub” the headline blazed over a picture of a crumpled up body. He skimmed the article, learning that the body was found in an alley along with a bloody razor letter and copious amounts of silly string. “Oh, this is horrible…” he murmured.

“Yes sir”

“Is this the best picture they have? You can’t even read our logo on the front of his chest!”

“The page 3 continuation shows an empty can of Spezz at his feet.”

“Well, thank God for product placement, at least” Avis sighed. “Have they found his head yet? Was it still wearing the Spezz hat?”

“Not as yet, sir. They’re still trying to identify the body. It might not be your nephew at all… although we haven’t been able to contact him, and he didn’t show up for a commercial shoot this morning.”

“Hmmmm… yes, well… if it was him, the media is going to want to interview my sister. Send a batch of hats and T-shirts over to her place right away.” He chewed on the tip of his hook as he read the paper. “Is this right? He may have been murdered by the vigilante Messenger and the Legionnaire CrazySugarFreakBoy?”

“They’re both suspected of being at the scene and wanted for questioning, though it doesn’t look good” she replied. “If there’s nothing else, I’ll let you get back to your… self now, sir.”

“Yes, yes… fine” he waved her away dismissively. He looked at the blurry photo in the paper and tapped his hook nervously against his chair. Any publicity was good publicity… unless, of course, it was because you were dead. Then it pretty much just sucked. None of his previous business deals had lead to murder. Oh sure… maybe a suicide or two… but if you can’t stand the heat of corporate takeovers, you shouldn’t have office windows that open. And then there was that bunny-kidnapping Happy Place fiasco that was never to be spoken of… But all in all nobody had ever gone around decapitating relatives before.

What if this CrazySugarFreakBoy had gone over the edge? What if he had hired that Messenger fellow as a hitman? What if the two of them were on a bloody rampage of vengeance straight out of an 80’s movie? Or… what if it was his mother? He studied the image of Meggan Foxxx and her enormous... maternal instincts. What if she was the one, and she was out to punish all those who had done her son wrong? What if she wasn't finished with Captain Spezztic? What if she showed up here, dressed in leather and chains and determined to make him pay? Maybe... maybe hurt him. Or whip him even.

He quietly got up, crossed the room and locked the door. "Time to phone accounting..." he said to the glossy picture.



Later that same morning, outside Visionary's subterranean condo:

“Well, I wouldn’t say Dream threatened him…” Visionary was explaining to police. “He just called him a lot of names… and, er… suggested certain proctology procedures.”

“And you say he left here to confront this ‘Captain Spezztic’?”

“Um… well… I wouldn’t say confront…”

“Wait!” Lisa called, pulling up in her car and striding across the lawn. “This man has a severely disturbing mental handicap and cannot be questioned unless in the presence of a competent adult!”

“Hey!” Visionary complained. “The doctor said that was only a minor concussion!”

The detective looked at the lawyer shrewdly. “Is this true?”

Lisa nodded. “Oh, definitely. He’s always hearing voices, not to mention talking to birds.”

“That’s just Fleabot and Quoth!” Visionary argued indignantly. He turned to the officer. “It’s just that other people don’t tend to see Fleabot, since he’s a microscopic robot that likes to ride on my shoulder. And Quoth isn’t your average crow… she’s a Raven of Destiny who apparently helped me when I was filling in for the Chronicler of the universe one day. Well… at least, that’s what she tells me.”

The cop blinked. "Hoookay" he sighed, tearing off the full page of notes he had taken in his notepad and crumpling it up. “So… can you tell me what occurred when the suspect visited here yesterday?”

Lisa grinned happily. “Attorney-client privilege.”

“Right.” He looked them both over dubiously. “Well, at the moment we just want the answers to a few questions... But eventually we’re going to find out what exactly happened in that alley last night, and it’ll go a lot easier on your super-type friends if they cooperate and turn themselves in. You be sure to pass that on to your client.”

“Sure thing, will do” Lisa agreed amicably, waving as the policeman got back into his car and departed.

“You could have said something, you know.” Visionary grumbled to his shoulder.

“Hey…” Fleabot answered. “Unlike some people, I know when to keep my mouth shut.” He looked at Lisa. “So what now?”

Lisa frowned thoughtfully. “If the Legion still can’t find CSFB, we’re going to have to hope that Messenger pops up somewhere and tells us what the hell happened. I’m sure there’s a very simple explanation for all of this that will tie things up neatly.”

“And if there isn’t?”

“Then Dream’s going to have one hell of a legal bill.”






Next: Messenger fills us in on how a headless body in a Captain Spezztic costume showed up in an alley along with silly string and a bloody razor letter! I know I'm curious...



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